It is too late,

I wished the fact away,

I ignored it,

I took off in any direction,

I focused,

I refocused,

I tried to make it,

It was too late,

It is too late.

It always was going to be too late.

I extended,

I dithered,

I hoped,

I wished,

I kept on going,

But it was always a little further,

It is still a little bit further

It is too late.

So what now?

I have no idea where I am going and what I am going to be doing. But I do know I am not going to be here. So this is also goodbye. Many many thanks to anyone who took time to read this blog for the last 2.5 years. Thank you for comments of understanding and encouragement.

I will keep the blog open for a few days and close it off.

Goodbye and be blessed.

 I have been at this ‘denial of reality’ for too long, I need to snap out of it.

The reality is;

1. Financial simplification is a must – must improve cashflow
2. School has to get salvaged – Too much money spent and I need that Masters degree. And since it is not an ‘honorary’ one I have to work hard at it
3. Work has to get more interesting – this surviving each day is too depressing.
4. I have to let go the ‘traditional family’ dream and get a child (or two if I am lucky). Life did not work out as I planned on this one but I need to deal with that fact and also I have ran out of time.

Life is crazy. I wish this was the US/Europe where I could hire a therapist for sessions unlike in Kenya where the idea of consulting a therapist is totally frowned upon. 

Meanwhile I have the blog.

1. I took my last classes for undergraduate and left uni.
2. The first of my classmates got married.
3. I was a bridesmaid  for the first and only time.
4. I missed a dear friend’s wedding (there was a clash with above wedding and I only realized when it was too late)
5. I first wrote out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life (and I have not yet started what I deem to be my life’s real career )
6. I wrote my first ‘bucket list’  (- I have gotten some stuff off the list )
7. I owned a dress – almost 10 years

It still feels like yesterday. Where have the 10 years gone?

And more important. How fast will the next 10 years pass by and what do I want to have done by then? Time to revisit that bucket list.

Started the weight watch at 65.1 and I am now 61.6kgs. about 3.5kgs in 4 months. After watching the ‘slimpossible’ program on Citizen TV where the ladies are losing 1kg a week, I feel I should be further on but for now, baby steps.

This blog post is inspired by failure….and no it is not my education…(though that is hanging on a prayer.)

Anyway,

I failed, I failed miserably…..I failed the ‘boob test’.

Defination: When your eyes can’t stay locked at eye level with whoever you are talking to and they inadvertently go a bit lower. (I tried to call it something else like ‘exposed cleavage’ test but sometimes there is no exposure)

Now that that is defined, let me delve into details.

I was at the bank, this morning and my relationship officer had her ample cleavage exposed and she has some cute tattoos on the left. I tried, I tried, I couldn’t keep my eyes level. Now if I was smooth I would just have gone “cute tattoo or something” but I didn’t.

So I looked down, looked at the table, looked at my phone, hunted in my bag for non-existent items, looked at her hair, managed to stay 2 seconds level with her eyes and then oops….just looked at her ‘assets’ again. All the while I was thinking, “ok there is a tattoo and the double D exposure so move on.” And after a few more seconds of struggle, I was back at staring! 

I have watched men struggle with the ‘boob test’ when dealing with me, especially men who are shorter than I am and I normally just think “countdown 1,2,3,4….yup I knew you would never make it to 10″ From now I shall be more lenient.

She must also have noticed because she did cover up a little. But I failed, totally failed. I am a man or it is early menopause!

but I am getting there slowly by slowly.

I know I wanted to do it “well” this time,

 but sometimes doing it is just as well.

I have prayed for energy but got little headway that way,

so I have prayed for grace.

Finishing is not easy, but it will get done.

I heard of someone who was admitted to a major hospital quite sick and required an operation and hospitalization. Total bill - over Kshs 100,000. Insurance company said the hospitalization was due to gynaecological reasons and they do not cover that. For me, for most women between 25-50, gynaecological issues cannot be seperated from your overall health.  Most insurance companies also do not cover maternity bills. And if they do they cover only the first emergency Caesarian section. And infants under 6 months are sometimes not covered! How does this even make sense? If I have insurance during my child-birth years 35-45 the one thing I want to have peace about is childbirth and my children.

I know of someone who was diagnosed with cancer which thank God is being managed. She has to go to hospital for medication routinely. Since it is being managed so far, the only access to insurance cover that she has is out-patient cover, which was capped at Kshs 30,000. Her in-patient cover is capped at kshs 2 million, but she has no access to it unless, (God forbid) she gets hospitalized. To me by the time you get hospitalized (for 2 million) for cancer,  it is no longer about managing the cancer, (that you had discovered early enough for treatment) but saving your life using drastic measures. The question is doesn’t one need the Kshs 2 million early enough when the impact of good medication can make the most difference?

*sidenote. If one gets a difficult pregnancy and doctor deems it necessary to hospitalize you for 9 months, the insurance company will not cover you  and by kenya’s employment law your employer can sack you in 3 months on medical grounds.

My conclusion is my insurance cover seems to be only for accidents which God forbid that I should have.

Clearly I need to shop for a cover that addresses what I need.

Sometimes I can’t explain the ‘madness’ that goes on in my brain. (that is why I think I do suffer mild depression )

And today is one of those days that I can’t explain - the day was normal and successful but  the dichotomy between that and what I feel is crazy.

I need a break before I go crazy.

Last week, this week , next week and the week after etc I will be travelling back and forth. I am back to ‘turn around to the airport in 3 days or less’ but it is hopefully just lasting until mid may. It kind of disorganizes my life a bit and I never bother to unpack the suitcase fully.  Anyway it is what it is for now but I need to take up the challenge to gain ‘control’ back of what I can.

All is well and I won the battle and controlled threatening discouragement to self a few hours ago. My head sometimes does feel like that TV series  in early 90′s –  Herman’s head :-)

What is going on?

There is work which I am managing but after this last week I am just confused. I am getting too angry with many people at work and that is upsetting my equilibrium. I made a pact not to lose my temper ovyo ovyo some time back and the pact was holding up so well until this year. For some reason starting with New year’s day I have been going at people quite a lot and at this point it really has got to stop. I need to get my equilibrium back and I will.

I have been talking about forming my company for some time now and now I need to just get on with it. Hard to settle on a name(s)!

I finished reading  Think and Grow Rich. I had always heard of the book but never read it before and I am glad.

I believe it may be hard to understand the book if you:

1. have never worked,
2. have never saved,
3. have never taken a job that seems so far from your original plan
4. have never had to keep the dream alive

I believe I needed to have been where I am at now to appreciate the book. I can already see the principles in the book that I can relate to –  from experience.  I can now add to what I already know. So off to billionairehood!

Yesterday I was able to take the blame chin up though some bit of it un-justified but we all know the customer is always right. I was worried over the weekend that my attitude was combative and I would not be able to handle this well ‘PR-wise’ but I managed. (Attitude was completely sorted out by an idiotic taxi driver – I tell you, you can learn from all that goes wrong).

Now the disappointment. My boss is not on the same page with me. It makes my work harder. The anger. The fastest way to get yourself out of a hole is to stop digging ( I can’t locate credit for this but I did not originate the saying). My boss up to this morning is still digging. .

My frustration and feelings of inadequacy: I cannot back up anything I guarantee to the client. No one is listening to me. Funny thing the client is seeing it already, that we said we would have a team on it and only Ms KR cares and is on the frontline.

I need to ask for a  re-assignment within the office. Maybe that will wake my boss up or maybe someone else might do this better than I am doing.

Anyway therapy worked. Let me work for now.